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QUICK HITS 3

PERSPECTIVE

Instead of saying the greatest ____ ever, say the greatest _____ I can remember.

Because, and I suppose I'm climbing out a few feet on a sturdy limb by saying this, the greatest _____ probably hasn't happened in the past three years. And if for some reason it has, and this helps to really hammer home my point, its replacement _____ as the greatest greatest ______ probably isn't going to happen 2 years after it.

Following me?

Thrown off by all of the _____'s? I'll try and remedy that. I'll pick music as a topic.

Buddy Holly comes out in the 50s. He's called the greatest rock musician/band to ever live. Elvis takes his place a few years later. The Beatles then take his place. Then Led Zeplin, followed by who? U2, Nirvana, Coldplay?

Let's use sports as an example.

A football game is played in 1930 between Notre Dame and, lets say, Navy. It's called the greatest game ever played, shortly after the game is finished. Then, in the 50s, two other teams square off, we'll say Ohio State and Michigan. Now the people commentating and reporting on the game never saw the previous greatest game and/or the memory of the game has faded from their minds. The commentators and reporters then declare this new game the greatest game of all time, aka "GAME OF THE CENTURY". This phenomenon repeats itself often. So, every decade, even every five years, there's now a newest "GREATEST GAME EVER".

Which as we all know is bullshit.

So stop it. I don't want to hear your opinion, even if you agree with me. Because if too many people start agreeing with me I'll start questioning myself. AND you don't even have an opinion. What you call an opinion is just a ploy to sound important. Which you aren't.

Let's review:

You don't have opinion
You're not important

Clearly this subject borders on not being quick.

WORKING HARD

I don't work in the comedic industry, but I often find that my greatest contributions at my place of employment is being funny. I'm not sure what to make of that.

I'm guessing I shouldn't work in the comedic industry either. It would be indescribably depressing if I quit my current job, thinking I was funny, and found myself onstage telling some amusing stories only to get no big laughs -- instead getting lots of comments about how neatly typed my joke sheets were, or how efficiently I organized my stage area.

I suppose instead, that I will keep cranking out these witty observations on a semi-regular basis.

THE LAST 14 HOURS OF YOUR LIFE

I'll get some funny pains every now and then (you may get them too); a stitch in my side, a sharp pain in my lower abdomen, or some intense head pain.

So, in my head I'm the Behind the Music commentator and thinking that the pain is the beginning of the last 14 hours of my life. I start to script out the 3 minutes of show that would describe my demise

[read in deep somber announcer voice]: It was hypothesized that the massive abdomen vein burst 14 hours before his death, but he probably disregarded the pain as nothing serious, most likely attributed the pain to eating his uncooked pop-tart too fast that morning. When in fact, the pain, was his death nell. If only at that moment he would have sought medical advice, he would still be with us today.

[read in slightly more upbeat announcer voice]: When we return, we'll see how his family is coping in his absence, and moving on with their lives.

So, of course I wonder if I should call the doctor. Which, of course, I shrug off as me just being more crazy. Then, I scrawl this thought down on a post it note, so I can later expound upon the idea, adding the announcer bit, and toss it on the ol' website

CANDY PILLS

I've been having some shoulder pain recently. At my workplace, there have individual packs of pain relievers. I grabbed one the other day and cut open the package with some scissors and popped the little suckers in my mouth.

And it was like I was eating candy. The pills didn't taste like the limestone and salt pills I've grown so accustomed to. These were yummy. Who needs desert when you have pills? Need that little bit of sweetness after a meal? Take some pills.

Hmm.

I don't think this is good for the children. What if they toss down 8 pills before they realize its icky tasting? I don't have any faith in the fold and tear safety device either. I'm thinking, that any kid who finds the stash of pills in the house is probably carrying around scissors as well.

TAKE THE RISK

On my deodorant -- the actual white deodorant part -- is printed Take the Risk.

What risk am I taking?

Its 7:15 in the morning. Life is dangerous enough, I want no additional risks from my deodorant. I certainly do not need my deodorant screwing with me that early in the morning.