generiCtrenD.com - thE caR foR thE commoN maN

THE CAR FOR THE COMMON MAN

Cars are pretty fancy now-a-days. Sensors, computers, climate zones, headlight wipers, and probably some sort of laser device before long, if they're not already there. All that stuff is great, if you're named Geoffrey (JOF-RE). But I'm here looking out for the common folk. The everyday Joe that can't afford a car that has in the title "Class" or some random number/letter combination. That's who I' writing this for. I've had a few cars and had a few buddies (and for that matter haven't we all?) with some cars and I've come up with some features that should be in every car.

SUDDEN BRAKE STOP ALERT
The car comes equipped with the interior trim piece between the windshield and door removed. Whenever the car is stopped suddenly water spills out upon the driver's left side. For a period of minutes afterward it will also drip annoyingly on the left hand of the driver. It's a measure not unlike some kind of torture that helps to remind the driver that they were either speeding, not paying enough attention, or, most likely, the person ahead of them is a jackass.

CEILING HEIGHT WARNING
It's an upholstered ceiling that is not glued to anything--making an upside down tent in your car or a giant fabric bowl, which makes a handy warning so occupants don't bump their head on the hard ceiling. It rests oh-so comfortably on any occupant's head. The taller the occupant the more contact the device (fabric) creates with their head, and thus increased awareness about the height of the ceiling. The manufacturer recommends not pinning or trying to glue this device to the ceiling as this will void the warranty (and will only last for a few days before falling down anyway).

NAVIGATION SYSTEM
A folded map of the United States from Bob Evans. As a bonus the map lists some of the Bob Evans locations in major cities. For accuracy purposes and to add to the map's overall usefulness, it is mandatory that the map be at least three years old AND be kept with napkins and four broken tire pressure gauges (working tire gauges strictly prohibited) in the glove box.

STEEP INCLINE WARNING (SIW)
Alerts the driver if the car is trying to climb too steep a grade (such as a small hill or particularly large speed bump) by emitting smoke from the engine area. After multiple attempts within a given time frame (typically three small hills within an hour or five smalls hills and one final speed bump within three weeks) the SIW will cut all power to the drive train and set the transmission on fire. Normal driving can be resumed when the license plates are removed, the car rolled down a wooded hill, and another car purchased.

IN-CAR ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM
Warning! Not suitable for use by drivers. Car comes with a Super Soaker-100 (you supply the water). Passengers can spray at will passersby with the water gun. It's hours of free entertainment for the whole family!

SPEEDOMETER OPTIONS
Two options available here: Race Car and I Don't Want to be Bothered.
The Race Car speedometer reads 5-10 mph faster than the actual speed of the car which allows the driver to feel like they're speeding without actually breaking the law. The I Don't Want to be Bothered option reads at a constant speed of 0 mph for the entire journey. This allows the driver to focus on other gauges and dials that may fluctuate during the trip.

CAR SCIENCE KIT
Get to know nature by hosting an ant colony in your car! This requires the car to be driven little and always parked in the same location. The driver can conduct experiments to determine which types of foods ants like best. Is it the crushed Fritos on the floor or the remains of the Frosty in the cup on the back seat? Only rigorous scientific investigation will tell.

DRIVER AWARENESS SENSOR
Used to measure the awareness of drivers around your vehicle, which is helpful considering the likely overall condition of the car. Essentially the sensor is a hubcap with a locking center nut which allows the hubcap to be fixed in the middle, but not on the outside, giving passersby the illusion that, while driving, the wheel is falling off the car. The driver can then judge how many people are observing the condition of his/her vehicle, based on the number of fellow drivers pulling up beside the car honking and waving their arms frantically.

This can be important if the car is experiencing actual emergency situations, such as emitting unusual amounts of smoke or fluids. The driver can then change where he/she drives to be near the most amount of good samaritans. And don't worry, no amount of tightening or corrective measure will disable the device - the hubcap will wobble for the lifetime of the car.

RADIATOR FLUID SENSOR
If the car becomes overheated after a few minutes of driving the temperature gauge will spike and quickly return to its lowest level. This indicates to the driver that they haven't checked the level or condition of the radiator fluid for a long time. It also likely indicates that the fluid remaining in the system is a thick black mess that probably did a lot of damage to the car. Remedies can include knowing more than four things about a car and riding a bicycle more often.