MECHANICS

Do you know what a transmission cooler is? I didn't until I had to deal with the transmission mechanic. The transmission mechanic – a true professional - a guy who's looking out for your best interest.

Did you know a transmission has more than 1700 parts?

I didn't until I had to deal with the transmission mechanic. I learned a lot in a series of phone conversations with the transmission mechanic – with, of course, with my car in his garage. Here's kind of how I remember it going:

The mechanic: You're going to need a complete transmission overhaul. You know there are 1700 moving parts in a transmission. We warranty every one of them. Now this price includes everything, except for the gaskets. I just need the last four digits of your credit card and we'll get started.

Me: So could you tell me how many gaskets there are in this transmission?

Well, that would be between 4 and 12. Did you know there are more than 1700 parts in a transmission and we warranty every one of them, most places don't do that.

Except for the gaskets. Which could you tell me how many there are, since you know the exact make and model of the car AND are looking at the transmission at this exact moment?

Well that would be between 4 and 12. Did you know there are more than 1700 parts in a transmission and we warranty every one of them? Now, if I could just the last four digits of your social security number we can get this process [of raping your wallet] started.

That sounds terrific, how much did you say it would be?

There are more than 1700 parts in a transmission.

Oh, I see. Well sounds like a fantastic deal.

A few days later I get a call from the transmission mechanic who tells me about the wonders of a transmission cooler.

The mechanic: You know a transmission cooler can increase the life of your transmission up to 20%. We can install one for you. If you give me your mothers maiden name we can put that right in.

Me: That sounds great. I'm assuming that by saying you can install a transmission cooler that the car currently does not have one.

A transmission cooler can increase the life of your transmission up to 20%. You know, the transmission has more than 1700 moving parts and we warranty every one of them.

Except for the gaskets.

Right, if you give me your third grade teacher's name, we'll get started

How much would it be?

Less than the mortgage for the transmission, but more than home equity loan for new brakes. But since we've already got the transmission out of the car I'll knock some money off. Just for you.

That's great, it's like we're friends. That must be why you keep using my first name in the conversation.

The transmission has more than 1700 moving parts

I've heard, let me get back to you.

After checking with a trusted family member I come to find out that a transmission cooler is easy for the home mechanic to install and costs 10% what the the transmission mechanic is offering as a "deal".

I call to pass on the offer:

The mechanic: So, are we ready to get started on the cooler?

Me: I think we're going to pass right now.

I don't think that's a good idea. You know I'm knocking off a lot of money for you.

Yes, I know Mr. Transmission Mechanic, but I'll pass right now.

But its a good deal that will add 20% to the life of the transmission.

The transmission has more than 1700 moving parts.

What?

Oh, sorry that's your line.

I just need the name of your childhood imaginary friend and we can get started.

Yeah, uh, no thanks.

I hang up on the disappointed transmission mechanic.

The real kicker comes a month later when I'm installing a new radiator in the same car. I come to notice there's this funny small little radiator looking thing in front of the radiator. Hmm, I say to myself (you see by now I know what a transmission cooler is and recognize this small thing in front of the radiator as a transmission cooler).

You follow?

Turns out the car had a transmission cooler all along, but the nice transmission mechanic was willing to charge an assload of money to "install" one.

Fucking mechanics can blow me.

You know the transmission has more than 1700 moving parts.