The car’s windows were rolled up – windows rolled up in this heat mean air conditioning. Amber shook her head in frustration and mouthed a few choice words of profanity. Air conditioning? Struggling in the heat pushing a stroller, walking, Amber seethed at the sight. It was hot outside, she was tired, and close to crying in public. Amber didn’t have a car, couldn't afford a car, certainly couldn’t afford one with air conditioning. How did he afford a car with air conditioning? Amber assumed it was a man driving, at the sight of any injustice now she assumed a man was to blame.

Once in her life she had not hated men so much, had not hated so much. Then she met her ex-boyfriend, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend again, father of her child, Jake. Loser Jake.

Amber had never given herself much consideration, didn’t think she would amount to much. No one in her family had, so why should she? Many of her choices were impulsive, her decisions rarely involved far reaching consequences. Growing up, Amber had determined that life was a string of hardships and it didn't seem to matter who you married. Amber didn't know anyone happily married. Anyone with money or the ability to earn money moved out of her neighborhood. Amber didn't think she was one of those people. Her family had no money, she had always assumed she wasn't smart, and didn't think she was attractive enough to land someone with money. The trick to life then, a young Amber determined, was to grind things out until you were dead, hoping for a few good days here and there.

How she thought she had everything figured out.

Jake asked her out, she said yes, and with him she had a few good days. He was better than being alone and the sex, oh the sex. She had not had a lot of sexual partners, being just out of high school, but knew that she and Jake were special together. Maybe, looking back, Amber thought she had confused sex with love and thought that her and Jake's version of love would be all that was needed to carry them through life.

But great sex had led to a great big tummy and then a baby. An ‘I’m real no matter how many times you close your eyes and hope to wake up’ baby.

Amber and Jake didn’t want to have a baby, but didn’t do anything to prevent one either – their child was an accident. How terrible it sounded to her. Amber had cried more times than she could count thinking of that conversation with her daughter. “No, I didn’t want you, didn’t plan on you, but I love you. I love you so much.” Please don’t hate me.

Jake had considered life much less than Amber had and quickly fell into the role of absentee father. Compounding his youth was his lack responsibility and commitment. He didn’t know then that he was a screw up, but he was. Jake was only marginally qualified to keep a job, even to shower regularly. When he learned of the baby, he had no good internal forces to draw upon. No maturity, responsibility, ambition, or fortitude. Nothing.

Amber had been young too, but felt the responsibility to be a mother for the unborn child. Unlike Jake, she had something within her to draw upon. Nurturing, responsibility, a desire to be a better parent than her mother had been. As the pregnancy moved on, Amber only redoubled her intentions, promising herself, and her daughter, Julia, that she would be the best mother she could.

Her declaration had been misguided, she realized days after giving birth. Amber had no idea then of the difficulties and stress involved caring for an infant. The baby was so little and always needed something, but she couldn’t have known. Ready or not though, those first few days and weeks were a exhausting struggle for her. Amber had never truly appreciated just how tired a person could get.

At least she was trying, Jake only came over for infrequent visits.

Amber had done quite a bit of soul searching, natural in her situation, but of late spurred by a comment from her mother. “You’re turning out to be exactly who I thought you would be.”

It was biting. Too young, lacking self worth and the vision of age, the unwed mother only a few months into her twenties could only agree. How could she argue?

Amber had been pregnant at nineteen. The father had a dead end job and clearly no desire to be a parent. Amber had no money and was thus stuck at home with her parents, forced to leave her almost promising job for one that was more flexible, but paid less, provided no possibility for advancement, or any pride in her job.

Admittedly it wasn’t the best start at parenthood, but she quickly came into the role. He did not. Amber had no time for people that made no time for her. She didn’t need him, she told herself, didn’t need his emotional support, didn’t need his money. The modern independent woman, born again.

Proudly she told herself this.

It was all lies, and she knew it. Amber did not yet have the resources to be proud. She had little money of her own and had no one in her life that truly cared about her situation. There was no one kind enough to be a shoulder for her to cry on. “You have a baby now, you can’t be crying like a girl.” More words of wisdom from her mother. So she never cried when anyone was around and resolved to return all that she had been given, Amber showed a hardened face to the world.

Amber could stiffen herself against insults and put downs. She could ignore her own well being and focus on her daughter, ignoring her needs for the sake of the life she had created. She would do all of that, but the money, all the resolve in the world couldn't bring her money. Few things about babies were cheap. She didn’t want Jake's money, but damn it, he was going to pay in some fashion. He had been there too.

How about some child-support Jake? Cash or formula or diapers? A crib, stroller, clothes, or anything else that wasn’t picked up at a yard sale? The twenty bucks here and there wasn’t worth anything to her. And how about him wanting to watch their daughter, give her a break on the weekends or stay up nights with her while Amber slept? He had barely made it to the hospital for the delivery, and since then had only seen Julia once or twice a week.

Amber violently exhaled. She hated Jake. Hated him. It was best if she didn’t think about him, at least it kept her blood pressure in check. Child support. Hunh. How about some support in general? Support was where Amber was heading when she saw the car with the rolled up windows. Heading to Jake’s place to finally have it out with him.

It was a nice car to boot – must be lost. Nice cars with air conditioning drove around nice neighborhoods. They didn’t drive around Amber's neighborhood.

Had the driver happened to look at her? Pushing a stroller, bent over at the waist at best glistening, at worst sweating, in the summer heat. She would have said sweating, had anyone asked her opinion. Her underarms, at least, were sweating. She hated that. It made her feel so gross. Was the sweat showing through her shirt? Probably.

Her back hurt too much to stand upright and the moderate uphill slope wore on her legs. Amber was always short on sleep, overworked at her job. Physically tired and mentally drained. She was tired of pushing a stroller, tired of her muscles hurting, tired of being tired. Most of all she was tired of being a cliché and looked upon as some stupid girl that got pregnant years before she ought to.

What did the driver of that car think of her? Had they had misread her, mistaken her for some poor middle class mother with a broken down car forced to walk home? Ha! A car. Wouldn’t that be something. Amber didn’t even have a car seat. Her parents had a car, but refused to pay for a car seat. Were they were angry at being grandparents so young? Perhaps they were still angry at being parents so young?

Did the people in the car with air conditioning have a car seat? Probably not, but it would have been nice, at least, if they had stopped and asked her if she was ok. “No, I'm not ok. Look at me." Amber answered her fantasy out loud. “I'm losing it.” She choked back the tears. Choking back tears was something else Amber was tired of. In her mind she screamed. The baby is asleep, please be quiet.

There was use in pity parties, she knew they would get her nowhere. She tried to not allow herself too many break down weeping moments anymore. Julia had a lot more to cry about than she did, she would tell herself. But still Amber indulged herself more often than she should. She couldn’t help it, she had no other release.

It was only five blocks from her parent’s house to Jake’s place. Five blocks hadn't seemed that far when she was in her room. It had been cool there. Her closed windows hadn't given her an accurate report of the situation. They said sunny, but pleasant. Not a bad day for a walk. Stretch your legs and think about the joys of living.

Outside reported a different situation. It said hot and humid. It said stay inside, have him come to you. No, she told the humid air, she would go to him. Amber was going to be in charge of things from now on. He wouldn’t just show up with a couple of hamburgers and a toy that was much too old for Julia and be the big hero. She would go there, yell at him, tell him off, and be gone. Out of his life for good.

A half block from Jake's apartment / house / slummy crash pad Julia woke up in four kinds of a bad mood. "Hold on sweetie. Just about there, then we'll have a little bit to eat, ok?" But the unmistakable cry of an infant continued to wail on.

Amber had just about every piece of the unwed underage mother picture in place. Beat up stroller? Check Cheap bottles, yard sale clothes and hand me down diaper bag? Got em. Basic, non battery operated toys? Yep, those too. Uninvolved and rarely seen father? Oh yeah. Being judged by everyone that passed her? Without a doubt.

Amber was conscious of all this, but at present there wasn’t much she could do about it. One of the few things she could do something about her temper. She hated seeing mothers yelling and hitting their children, taking out their frustrations on someone they were supposed to protect. Amber refused to yell at her baby, refused to let her frustrations out on her little daughter.

But that frustration was still there and it had to come out. And what better target that Jake?

Julia screamed on, only temporarily soothed by a pacifier. 'Better be there Jake.' Jake had called her earlier. He had told her about his great new job and how much money he was making and how sorry he was and blah blah. BLAH! "No", Amber told him, "I'll come to your place". She didn't want to hang around him any longer than necessary and she certainly did not want a return to the usual nonsense. No back rubs, no hands down her pants. Amber was taking her life back into her control. There would certainly be no for old time's sake sex. Sex wasn't love, she was sure of that now. Having a daughter had brought Amber intimately close to love.

Amber had decided that whenever possible she would arrange things on her terms. It wasn’t possible to do so often, she had so little control over her life. No money, no car, and no place of her own. She was dependent on just about everyone in her life. Being an almost teenage mother, she had decided, was just about all it was cracked up to be.

Amber was going to be confident and secure. She was going to derive her value from within. She was going to get her way. If people thought her a bitch, then fine. The first nineteen years of her life she had been pushed around. No more. Amber had worked this out in a succession of AM feedings, rockings, and diaper changes. Show confidence, save money, get educated, get a better job, move out. It was time to roll the plan into action. First on her list was Jake. “Jake.” Her temple ached at the thought.

Jake either had the money, and a commitment to be not a one hundred percent loser, or Amber was done with him. For good. By the time she reached his door, Amber was one hundred percent sure that the same old Jake awaited her. Fuming in the heat and sweating under her arms, it didn't take her long that day to work herself up into a good froth over him. Months of building frustration, disappointment, and abandonment was coming to a head. By the time she was at his door she was ready to kill him, punch him, slay him with her words. Open her mouth and release her vengeance, terrible and righteous, upon him.

His door suffered mightily.

Blam, blam, blam. 'Open the door!' Blam, blam. 'Come on, I'm dying out here.' She picked her crying daughter up from the stroller.

"It's ok, it's ok. shu, shu, shu." Amber gently bounced her and Julia began to quiet down. Ready to pound on the door again, it suddenly opened. Cold air rushed out – miracle of modern living, the air conditioner. Oh what beautiful coolness! Such relief she never thought possible, a moment of bliss, genuine happiness. Her senses dull, problems forgotten, nothing impossible, a life of beauty.

But for him. Jake. Once he had been so hot, attractive and all that Amber wanted. Oh how quickly things change. On cue (though she had never been coached to do so) their baby started wailing. The "I'm tired, hungry, frustrated Help HELP HELP!" cry. Complete with all of the sought after baby accessories – lip quiver, flailing arms, and tears in the corners of each eye.

"Oh, hey. Ugh, everything ok with her?" Where Amber knew the meaning of seven distinct cries, could smell a wet diaper, knew when her daughter was pooping by the look on her face, Jake knew nothing. He didn’t even know how to hide his ignorance.

It wasn't that Jake didn't care. He did, well, sort of. His biggest problem was that he didn't know what to do. In his life he had primarily thought of himself, so he never took notice of the situations when one person would help another. He never grasped the meaning of the word ‘generous’. Never developed a nurturing or empathic sense before or after the birth of his daughter. Typically not a major problem at eighteen, except for a parent at eighteen.

Jake was a father without any tools to deal with his child. He was a mechanic who had never picked up a tool, a writer who had never read a book, an engineer who had never solved a math problem. To that point in his life, Jake was useless in every sense of the word. Knowing not what to do, he had never tried, had done nothing, and too quickly grown apart from the family he had helped create.

"No." She said curtly. 'Worthless.' Amber didn't see the look of shocked betrayal on his face. She wouldn't have cared if she had. She hadn't asked for the pregnancy any more than he had, but at least she was doing something with the end result. Amber was trying to raise their daughter, saving money to move out of her parent’s house, and just what was he doing? "How about inviting us in?" She meant business. It was not the same girl he had met less than two years ago. Jake was already scared of the new Amber.

"Sure, sorry, yeah. Come on in. I'll grab the stroller." Amber thought, but didn't say, 'way to pitch in.' She tried not to be a mean person, she had always been kind in her life, but Jake brought out the worst in her lately. Jake held the door open for his could have been wife, and definitely was daughter, then brought in the stroller.

The stroller wasn’t heavy, but his body said it weighed a ton. His muscles balked now at anything that was remotely strenuous. Jake was tired, the new job and more money thing wasn't a lie, but while more work meant more money, it also meant more fatigue. He could never rest enough for his body to recover, had not found a moment in recent memory to relax.

Though, it might be that a load of strenuous effort was just what he needed. Maybe he was due the hard work. His penance. Jake was trying to turn his life around.

It came to him one evening, looking at himself in the mirror during time usually spent considering his good looks. Instead of staring into his own eyes, though, an epiphany came flittering into his mind.

He was a loser.

How could he have missed it before? He was a screw-up at life. He graduated high school as a middle of the road student with no goals or ambitions. College wasn’t a consideration. Get a real job or move out, his parents told him. Fine, but with no goals or ambitions and no skills, he moved in with some friends. They gave him the closet/bedroom on the third floor, the rent was cheap, but the room was small and dirty. Still though, it was his own – no parents, no rules or lectures. The emancipation of Jake.

The room was an icebox in winter and consequently he spent much time trying to avoid his new found freedom. Not working, mind you, not then. During that period work was to be avoided. Most of his time was spent perfecting his image of the delinquent loser. Hanging out in restaurants, mooching food from his friends, and hitting on girls at every opportunity. That's when he met her.

Amber lived across the street from Jake's new place. She remembered him from high school, but he had been a year behind her, so he arrived without any baggage. She knew him not as an awkward fifteen year old with acne on his face, but instead as a virile and mature eighteen year old. “Hi, I'm Jake.” He said to her, and he had her right there. Amber was instantly attracted to him. Later she told him her inner response to his introduction, “Hi Jake.”

Amber's parents didn't like him, recognized him for the going nowhere waste that he was, but they made no attempts at separating the two. They didn't talk to her, tell her she could do better or ask about a former, more promising, boyfriend. They didn't tell him to straighten up his act, shape up, or fly straight. They certainly didn’t mention birth control to either. They let Jake hang around, most of the time shirtless, eating their food and fucking their daughter.

Jake didn't stay in his friends’ attic to find out what summer would bring. He found another place a five blocks away in the form of his uncle's new real-estate business. He had half-way fixed up a two family house, his "pilot program", and asked Jake if he wanted to help him out. He'd knock some money off the rent if Jake would help take care of the place. Cut the grass, clean out the gutters, plunge the toilet and the like – all the stuff the new smalltime landlord would otherwise spend his weekends doing.

"Can I have some roommates? I'm still getting on my feet and all?" Translation: I'm a screw up who doesn't work hard enough and blows his money on nonsense.

"Sure, I trust you." Translation: I still think of you as the eleven year old that loved listening to all my stupid stories and it breaks my heart to think about how poorly you’ve turned out.

Amber had just found out she was pregnant. She didn’t tell Jake for two weeks.

Inside Jake’s place Amber was on the couch trying to calm down Julia. His apartment was furnished with a mix of hand me down furniture and choice side of the road finds. It was nicer than Amber remembered. A faint smell of cleaning products had replaced the old off smell of mold and funk. No dishes on the floor, no visible garbage, and no indecent posters on the wall. The stolen road signs and restaurant banners were also gone. 'What's going on here?' Amber thought.

"You want me to change her, feed her or something?" He asked hesitantly. He had maybe changed her diaper three times, not even once a month.

Amber didn't even acknowledge the question. "Where's all your roommates? All your bros." Her words were metallic, bitter, hateful.

"They moved out. One got tired of the place. The other. Well, I kicked out one. He was . . . well, it doesn't matter. He's gone anyway." Jake waved his hand. A trifle, don’t bother yourself with the thought. Three weeks before, though, it had been a big deal though. Jake had come home to find a half dozen burnouts that he didn’t know scattered between the living room and kitchen. The place reeked of marijuana. There might have been someone smoking a crack pipe, but not being too familiar with the process Jake couldn't say for sure. It looked like there was a kid in the corner rolling on extasy. It wasn’t the first time Jake had come home to the scene, but that time he decided it was enough. How long until someone killed themselves? He kicked his friend out, spent fourteen hours cleaning the place and tried to figure out just how he had ended up there. Alone.

It took some time, but Amber brought her daughter back into the realm on contentedness, stroking her hair and guiding her back to sleep. Jake could feel the waves of anger rolling from his former girlfriend, mother of his child. He didn't say anything, just stood there. It was a different Amber, she was more than mad at him. Oh, how he had screwed things up.

For ever Jake played the role of statue, rigidly upright, the perfect likeness of the derelict father, looking at them, unsure of what to do. Finally, her daughter asleep, Amber looked up at him. The air conditioning had calmed not only the baby, but her as well. In a reasonable tone, if not wording, she said, "Well? I didn't invite myself over here."

It was as though her words was the magical phrase to bring statue Jake back to life. "Yeah. I've got some more money now." He picked up an envelope from the table and handed it to her. "Here. Two hundred. I’ll have more in a few weeks."

Wow. She looked inside, surprised, but it would take more than two hundred dollars. Two hundred dollars wouldn't make good on almost four months of grinding toil. "What, no good video games out this month?" It was purposely hurtful and he was stunned by the statement. They had played some games together, for hours, when they were dating, before the pregnancy, when she could still afford to indulge herself. It had been such a happy time.

Alone, she with a baby, he with nothing, he still played them and looked at her picture, trying to pretend things were the way the used to be. Like a child he had hoped to close his eyes, wishing, to open them to the world he had known before.

Jake let his hurt show through, Amber noticed and was glad her words had done damage. "No, it's not that." He ran his hand through his hair. Jake had thought that he could change things between them. "I started a new job. On weekends doing landscaping work. Sort of. I'm part of a lawn care crew. Mowing, trimming sort of stuff – "

"Weekends? What'd you quit the other place?" Same old Jake. Do you know how much time I have for myself?

"No, I'm still there." And working more hours. Forty there and twenty more mowing on the weekends.

"Oh."

"So that money, it’s all extra, it’s all for you. I'm hoping to either move up and do some different stuff there or get another job with this experience." He wanted to impress her, to show her the new side of him. I have a plan! He had decided that if he couldn’t work smart, he would work hard. Granted, it wasn’t much of a plan, but for someone who had never had a plan, it was noticeable progress.

"Oh." He had taken Amber off guard. Two jobs. Was it not another 'old times sake' phone call? She thought the money line had been a lure, had been so ready to write him off. So set to cut off another tie with her old life.

"I know it's been hard, and I know I haven't been the best, but – " He had said something, she was glaring at him. "What?"

Amber stood up and put her sleeping daughter down in the stroller, carefully strapping her in, then pulled Jake by the shirt into the kitchen. She wasn't going to let it be 'Jake's a big hero because he got some lawn mowing job Day'. Hard? She was going to let him know how hard it had been.

In a hushed tone. "Do you have any idea what it's been like? No, you don’t because you’ve barely been around.” She jabbed a finger into his chest to emphasize who 'you' was. “I'm twenty living at home with my parents. Do you know the hassle and grief I have to hear from them? When I go to work I have to leave her with my mother. A thousand comments a day from her. Little tiny ones. They add up and every damn night I cry. I cry so hard." She was hurt. Jake reached up to put his hand on her shoulder, to comfort her, but with a terrible look from her he stopped with his arm in mid motion.

"But where else can I go? How do I get out of this? I'm all alone and it destroys me. I'm twenty.” Her voice quivered. ”I should be having a great time, going out with my friends, dating guys. Who the hell would want to date me? What decent normal guy out there is going to want someone like me? Some used up stupid girl with a kid.

"My child has no father around. Stops by hardly ever, rarely calls, Never does a damn thing with her. You don't think that messes with her. You don't think they'll be problems with her? You think she's not going to get pregnant at nineteen?" Amber put up her hand to stop Jake from interrupting. She brought her hand back to her face to stop from crying. She was going to put it all out there. "I know that I've messed up. I know that I'm screwed up. Why else would I have let you get me pregnant?" She exhaled sharply 'You,' It was harsh, but true.

She wiped away the trace of a tear. She wasn't going to show him weakness. "I want something better for her. But you don't think my parents said the same thing? When they had me? They were only a year older than us. And what do I do? Get pregnant at nineteen." She pushed him hard in the chest. "Fuck you, 'I know it's been hard.' " It was all she could take, the tears came free, pouring, but still she brought her hands up to her face to hide it. How she hated to show weakness.

Jake began to understand. Working sixty hours a week didn't count for much. He should have been doing that a year ago when she told him. “I’m keeping the baby.” He should have asked her to marry him right then and there. He hadn't because he was afraid she would say no and reject him. What a child you were.

'How do I make this better?' He thought

Jake had more sense than to try and touch her again. He had lost that privilege, for that's how he thought of it, sometime ago he had thought it a right – that's what boyfriends get to do. Nope. Sorry buddy, that's not quite how it works out. How stupid, ignorant, he had been.

Jake had to say something to her, show her that he understood, show her that he wanted to try and make it all right. "I. I ugh. I know I've screwed up everything else. I know your parents hate me. I know you probably do too. I know why. It doesn't make things any better, but I know how I was.” Was? As if you're speaking of some time decades ago. Was was only three weeks ago. “And I know there's nothing I can say that's going to make things right again. I don't know if there's even anything I can do to make things right again."

Mowing grass, sweating for long hours outside, he often thought about the luck of timing. Had he met her a year or two later, when both their lives were a little more level, when he might have understood the importance of consequences. It could have been different. They would have really fallen in love, not just the surface love they thought was real. Perhaps even married. A little more mature and focused, they would have known what they wanted from life and from each other. Perhaps.

Jake continued, "But I'm not going to say I'm going to do this or that. And prove something to you. It's all in your court now." Overused cliché comment.

What a worthless, self serving speech. He had blown it. There was a time she would have stuck with him, had he done the right things, she might have even married him. Had he the nostalgic chivalry to ask her. She expected him to do so, and no one truly knows the answer to a question never asked, but Amber probably would have said yes. It wouldn't have been for the best of reasons, but they would have been together and fighting life together.

Together.

Instead, he had abandoned her. Left her to fight it herself. Left her with a newborn baby. No, he had left her still pregnant. It was a fantasy to think they had a relationship months before the baby had arrived. The more visibly pregnant Amber became, the more Jake turned away from her. Coming to the realization of what he had done, and what it said about his character, destroyed him. "Your opinion is the only one that matters. Right now I'm a total loser. I'm with you there. I'm sorry."

He could not longer dodge questions from his family about the baby, about marriage, about what he was going to do with his life. “Time to grow up. You got yourself and her into this.” His father told him. Jake hated his father, but what he had said was right.

Jake had stopped talking to his family. They were too honest. They said, “she’s so pretty,” and left unsaid, “and so much better than you”. His attractiveness was fleeting, his adult relatives knew. Giggly teenage girls and wayward young twenty somethings were all that would find his muscles and cockiness attractive. But Amber was pretty, destined to be a beautiful woman. In a few years she would have her pick of men, but for whatever reason, then, she found him attractive. Jake was a fool to let her go and he was much worse things for what he was doing to his daughter. His family was right. He could not face their shame.

The only relative he still spoke to was his uncle, and even he had almost kicked him out. His uncle had trusted Jake and Jake brought a bunch of addicts into the apartment. “How am I supposed to rent out the upstairs place with a bunch of tweekers living below?” Sorry.

Jake wanted to tell Amber all of this. If, for nothing else, then to show her that he finally understood and was determined to turn things around, but he couldn't. Amber had been through way too much for him to dump his problems on her.

She didn't say anything either. Her tears had stopped, but her eyes were still red. What could she say? Nothing, apparently, she just stared at him.

"I, uh baked some cookies." They couldn't stand there forever. He had to say something.

"Baked? You?"

"Yeah, well it's not too hard. Of course, they're not the best."

"You bake them for the hell of it, or because I was coming over?"

"Well, I can't say I didn't enjoy them, but if you weren't coming over, I wouldn't have made them." Jake admitted. He was too tired to do anything more than microwave burritos. Bean and cheese for breakfast, beef and bean for lunch and chicken and chili and dinner. Jake had thought he would be the perfect role model for the microwave burrito – the male bachelor who regarded a pot as cookware, bowl, and storage container.

First a clean apartment, then two jobs along with money, and cookies? It wasn’t the Jake that Amber had expected. She was ready to face down loser Jake and throw him out forever. Finally be done with the boy and move on with her life, but there was a different Jake in front of her. Second job having Jake. Apartment cleaning Jake. Cookie baking Jake. Was it a show? Would he revert back to his old abandoning self? 'Maybe I should give him a chance?'

"I'm sorry about the video game crack. I didn't mean it. It's just that. Well, I . . . yeah, I hate you!" It felt good to say it. It was such a great release to have the unsaid out there that Amber felt a rush of power from the action. She really was taking control of her life, confidence poured through her. The tension she felt was broken, replaced by old feelings of attraction.

Amber took a half step forward, suddenly overcome with lust, ready to tear his clothes off. And if at that moment he had taken her, she would have let him. Right there on the table, the floor, anywhere. It would have been hot and passionate, and right.

The baby, no.

Amber regained herself, stepped back, remembered her new mission in life, and put the thought from her head. Lightheartedly she said, "You know. You're such a,” a what? “a piece of work,” piece of work? “but I have this connection with you. Jerk." She punched him in the arm for emphasis. It was the first sign of affection she had shown him that day, she couldn't hate him forever, something drew her to him – she couldn't get him out of her life if she tried. “We’ve got to figure something out.”

He smiled, then sighed. “Sit down, I’ll get you some cookies.” Maybe there’s still a chance. He put some cookies on a plate for her, then gave her a tall glass of ice water. 'How thoughtful,' Amber thought. Then he poured her a small glass of milk and sat down. “I know I said I wouldn’t talk my way through this, but I want to make things right. I,” love you, “know I’m a real jerk. And it hurts me to say it, but I've been a terrible father, and I want to get myself back on track. I don’t want your sympathy.” He considered the statement. “Maybe I do, but I haven’t earned it. Don’t deserve it. I want us to be like we were before. And I’m like two weeks into changing my life around, but I’m committed. You know how I can get.”

Amber did, she supposed. Jake had committed himself to whatever he chose, but in the past he had chose to commit himself to silly things. He decided he wouldn’t wear a coat anymore during one chilly spring. He had done one hundred pushups every day for a month just to prove that he could. For six months he stopped drinking anything with caffeine in it. All things that were impressive when there was no great adversity.

Sure, she knew how he could get, same old Jake. She shook her head, was suddenly tired. Quietly she tried to explain the situation to him. “Jake. That’s all silly stuff. It’s great that you’ve got this plan and all, but,” she shrugged her shoulders, “you’ve barely been around for like six months now.”

Jake frowned and looked down. He knew that, knew how poorly he had met his obligations. No matter how hard he worked now, no matter how much money he could give her now, he sill wasn’t there then. He could never be there. He could never rock his two day old daughter back to sleep. He would never be able to worry alongside Amber about a diaper rash at three weeks. He could never know the joy of his daughter beginning to hold her head up.

Jake didn’t think he could ever make any of that right and as committed as he was now to working hard, and being there for her, would he always be able to do so? Never having truly tested his will or fortitude, he knew not their limits. When she found a new boyfriend, would he write her off, call her a bitch? Suppose things went well and he asked her to move in with him and she refused. Could he deal with that? His plan was crumbling a bit after only moderate strain. “Yeah, I know.” He said in resignation.

Prying, Amber asked, “So, have a girlfriend?” A rehearsed line, her words were quick, betraying a gnawing question. While she and Jake had never officially broken up, there had been no phone call angry words or cowardly letter, they were most certainly not together. She didn’t want him back, really she didn't, but jealously wanted him to be with no one else.

Jake shook his head. How could he? It would be the final lot cast against him. Abandon his old girlfriend and daughter in search of new teenage lust? No.

He couldn’t ask her if she had a boyfriend. There had to be someone, he knew it. She was still pretty, beautiful, as ever. Even more so than before. How could there not be someone in her life?

“Not going to ask me?” He shook his head again, his head drooped. “Why not?”

“Selfish I guess. I don’t want to hear that you have someone else. You deserve someone else, but I just don’t want to hear it. Sorry.”

“For what?”

He shook his head, motioned with his arms. His life was a jumbled mess and he couldn’t see himself ever being able to work it out. “I don’t know.” 'Don’t go down that road.' He cleared his throat. “You like the cookies?” 'Can it ever be the same again? Can we be honest with each other again?' Were you ever honest?

She smiled and stood up. "I better get going. Meet the babysitter and all. She's a real nag about timeliness." Amber half-smiled, because if you half-smiled you won't cry.

"Could we talk? Not about. Uh. Not about getting back together. Just to talk."

Amber smiled, and nodded. She would love to talk to someone, anyone. She didn't have many friends left, it was hard to carry on conversations at work and talking with her parents was out of the question. To be able to talk to a person that had some compassion for her? That would be better than just about anything. "Yeah, I'd like that. What time to do you get off work?"

"Usually get home around three or so."

"Bus runs that late?"

"No. I catch a ride from a guy there. Give him a few bucks for gas, keep him awake and all. But that's way too late for you, I'm sure."

"No, I'll probably be up then."

"Julia's up then?" He said it without thinking and mentally slapped himself. Of course she was up then. That's what little babies did. They were up at all hours. Of course Amber was up with her, and now probably angry about his stupid comment.

"Yeah, little girl's a night owl." Amber knew he was trying. She couldn’t constantly attack him. She would try as long as he did. "I'll call you though."

"Sounds great." And he smiled. Not with the same cocky 'I can get any girl I want' smile, but with the 'I'm a person with real feelings' smile. Jake was genuinely happy for the first time that day.

With that Amber grabbed up her daughter and stroller (how quickly one learns to operate baby equipment by themselves) and went outside.

At the door Jake asked, "Want a hand home? I could push the stroller to your place, then back home. Honest, I have to catch the bus in forty-five minutes or so." Amber considered it, legitimately considered it – who would have thought that half an hour ago?

"Nah, better not. Better make sure you catch that bus." My parents aren't home. If you come over, we'll have sex. I know it. And that will screw everything up.

"Yeah, ok." I really didn't offer because I was angling for sex, but you're probably right.

Their new relationship was so tenuous, so delicate as to be shattered by any disturbance.

"Maybe next time though." Friends first. We have to be friends because we have a child together. And maybe in a few years we can be something more.

But probably not.

Jake closed the door.