STOP TALKING TO ME

I'm tired of people talking to me. But not talking in general, just talking about certain things. If you want to make idle chit chat about the weather or hot air balloons, fine. Everything else is questionable. Here's a list of things I am definitely tired of hearing:

Your top ten list of Cds. You're all time favorite list of music. Trendy/hip/indie bands you like, or just pretend to like.
I don't care. In fact I find it annoying. And this goes for all those damn magazine or tv show lists of the best albums or artists or bands. Shut up. I'll listen to my music, you listen to yours and lets leave it at that.

Advice on money.
Unless you're super ass rich and work on wall street or have some solid gold phone don't talk to me about money investment. I don't want your advice.

Advice on love or relationships.
I don't care what you think keeps a marriage together. I don't want your thoughts on how to keep the spark alive And no, Mr. Single Guy, I don't want to hear your thoughts on what women really want. Write a book and quit talking to me.

In fact, I'm tired of getting advice from everyone.
Unless you're my grandparents or maybe my parents I probably do not want to hear what you have to say. UNLESS you're going to tell me how to fix something mechanical. If you're a mechanic or tv repairman, I'll listen to you.

Your political views.
Even if I agree with you I don't want to hear it. I don't care about your plan to end poverty in twenty years. I don't care about your voting habits. I don't care about what you think about the president/governor/mayor. I don't care and I don't want to hear it. Go run for office somewhere if you've got it all figured out. Or just run away from me.

Your religious views.
Again, even if I agree with you, I don't want to hear it.

Anything involving the bathroom or sex.
Please don't tell me about who's hot, who you want to sleep with, or and I shudder at the thought of this on so many levels the sexual habits of your children. I can not describe to you how little I want to know about your bathroom habits. I definitely never want to hear in any story you tell that you're naked. I don't want to hear about what you ate for dinner did to you later on. I want to hear no jokes about beans, mexican food, or any other similar items and how they relate to your digestive system. I'm not a prude, I just don't want to hear it. Go find Uncle Rico, get that time machine working, travel back to high school, and find some idiot there to talk to about it.

How bad your weekend trip or vacation was.
What's that? It was only 68 degrees in Jamaica? Well let me tell you that you've come to the right person for sympathy. Let me hear more about the poor service at the beach side restaurant or how they ran out of crab legs at the midnight buffet.

How smart your 8 month old child is.
They're not. I'm making a new rule right now. If you talk to me about how smart your child who can't control his/her bowels is, then I should get to check in with them at age 10 and if they're not in high school at that point you owe me a thousand dollars. If they are in high school, then I owe you a you were right (then its up to you to decide if you want to tell your sister).

About your diets.
Only eat half your dinner? Only steak? Only low fat foods? 1200 calories? Ten super small meals a day? What? What's that? I DON'T CARE! No one cares about your diet. No one no one no one. I can't stress this enough. Here's a tip to lose weight: exercise and eat a balanced diet. Not working? exercise more. Still not working? See a doctor. And tell him or her about your fifteen diets.

You're dog
Ugh. Dogs are not people! They're dogs.

The price of gas.
It's expensive. I get it.

It's not the heat it's the humidity.
It's like some tired joke that people keep repeating. Stop it, I can't take it anymore.