generiCtrenD.com - itS colD outsidE

ITS COLD OUTSIDE

Winter. I've had enough of it. Long ago, when I was a child, I used to like winter. The snow, sledding; great stuff. I no longer see any value in the season.

MYSTERIA

You know that wacky groundhog? He was in a movie will Bill Murray (not to be confused with the gopher movie).

I'm not sure what it takes for that groundhog to declare an end to winter: seeing or not seeing his shadow. But whatever it takes to make that son of a bitch declare spring is here, I say we do it. Bring in an army of floodlights so the sucker sees a thousand shadows? Done. Go the other way and make it dark? I say we blot out the sun with smoke from burning fields of oil. Burn it all down tonight.

Even if we have to kill that fuzzy little guy. These are cruel times. Whatever it takes, this cold just isn't going away on its own. I can't stand the cold anymore. I'm weak. And if abusing small animals makes it better for me, then count me in.

GRASS ROOTS EFFORT

I think our (the human race's) best option is this global warming thing. Al Gore is on to something.

Every journey starts with one step, so I've been doing my part by emptying cans of spray paint in the backyard every night.

You too can can help out, but you don't need to spend every night painting your grass. Put some heavy duty rubber bands around the can nozzle so the paint just pours out. Every night you go through a dozen or so cans. The more CFCs we can get into the atmosphere, the better.

But this grassroots effort may only provide the joy of 65 degree Januarys for my grandchildren. And they probably wouldn't even be grateful. Besides, that's way too slow for me. I would like to propose another option.

THE NUCLEAR OPTION

I need results quick. If melting the ice caps is going to make this global warming a reality, I say we take the fight to Antarctica.

Push the button Mr. President and roll out the bombers. Forget the communists, ice is the real problem. Drop the nukes there. Flame-throwers, fire bombs, submarines, whatever it takes to break up ice's grip on our winters.

And let us not forget Antarctica's northern ally. Lets send some submarines under the icecap to drop off some nukes. Then we hit the north pole from above as well. It doesn't stand a chance. Ice just doesn't have a chance against a modern mechanized military force.

I know using nuclear weapons is a scary thought, but it's our only option left. We must preserve our way of life. Please don't think of how your children or even your children's children can break open the ozone layer. The global warming solution is something we must make happen now. If we hope to not have to wear 17 layers of clothing, then it is we who must see it happen.