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SCREAMING KIDS

I came back from a trip recently. A trip to Mammoth Cave, Kentucky, which is the longest cave system in the world. And you too would know this if you are there for more than 33 minutes. It's a very cool place to visit - I highly recommend it. You'll learn a lot and view what some consider on of the Seven natural Wonders of the World. It ranks up there with the Grand Canyon, Victoria Falls, and other cool stuff, that I'm sure you could look up (I've got dial-up, so I won't).

There are 365 (many estimate the total length could increase to 600 miles) miles of cave. At the current length it more than doubles the second longest cave in the world (in the Ukraine). Inside the cave is a Tuberculoses Sanitarium (arguably the first in the country), a "church", mummies, 100+ different species of life (a few of which only exist in this cave), and the remnants of both a pre-historic AND 19th Century mining operation. A 19th century mining operation that quite possibly saved the American forces in the War of 1812.

Celebrities from Ronald Ragan to Jenny Lind to Ralph Waldo Emerson have visited. Inside are formations that rock and water have formed over hundreds of thousands of years. It is truly a physical and historical space that you can find nowhere else in the world.

I'm trying to set the scene here. Does everyone have it? A unique place in the world. Historical and culturally significant. Lots of famous people have visited. Are you with me?

Ok

So, uhm, screaming kids, and their worthless enabling parents.

At 10:45 am, September 25th, 2005 I paid for, and went on, a guided cave tour. On the trip were about 15 people, including two 4 year olds, and their parents, who clearly have no concern for either their children or, more importantly, the people around them, specifically me.

I'm not an expert on 4 year olds, but I've seen a lot of them. Barring any physical handicaps, they can all walk. They can at least stand up on their own. And it seems like most of them WANT to stand up, walk around, touch, taste, and smell things on their own.

This whole cave is pretty much a giant amazing playground. Stuffed shirt adults and their rebellious teenage children have a good time there. Old ladies, young women, homely aunts, scater dudes, depressed goth chicks, crazy uncles, body builders, surfers, and truck drivers all have a good time. The Mammoth Cave approval rate is the highest of any National Parks in the country. You can look that up. So you know that small children, who are amazed by everyone and everything--the people for whom the entire world is one giant ball of mystery--are going to dig the place. Like everyone else, they will want to walk around a bit and check some things out.

I will pose a question to you, the internet surfer: What would you do with if these were children?

Let them hold your hand and walk beside you while they glance around and the fantastic world around them? Maybe when the group of 15 people in an empty cave stops, let the children walk a few feet away from you, fostering a sense of independence that later in life they can build upon in order to be a well rounded adult?

Maybe these are options you would choose, but these were not be the choice of these children's parents. The parents, instead, chose to hold the children while they cried for the vast majority of the 75 minute tour. The only time the kids different cry? When the parents arms grew tired and they placed the children at their feet. Hmm, maybe that should signal something to the parents.

IT CERTAINLY SIGNALLED SOMETHING TO ME.

I don't know if I pointed this out, but the cave is one giant echo chamber. So I was able to hear the screams and wales of these children, not once, but repeatedly as the sound waves bounced off of rock faces one after the other until the sound waves faded into the air. It was the auditory equivalent of two mirrors facing each other. Fantastic!

The whole time these kids are screaming. I've got an idea? How about NOT constantly coddling your children? The whole time these parents are completely focused on the kids, so they're not getting much out of the experience. The kids, I know (as well as everyone else on the tour knew), enjoyed not one damn moment of the trip.

So why did these people even go on the trip? The kids aren't enjoying it. The parents aren't enjoying it. AND they paid money for it. Why not just give out the 20 bucks you dropped on the tickets to random people, your favorite charity, or just perform a science experience and see how long it takes for a twenty dollar bill to burn into ashes?

Assholes